Tomorrow

Each morning as part of my routine, I read a blessing before I begin any journaling, prayers or Bible reading. Some blessings are connected to the season, like many of Jan Richardson’s. Right now I’m reading through John O’Donohue’s To Bless the Space Between Us. I come back to this one during the “ordinary times” – or less liturgical times of the year. Rather than picking ones related to my current head or heart space, I’ve just read through them as they are in the book. Today – “In Praise of Water.” Harmless. It’s just water. Until I reach the end…

Water: voice of grief,
Cry of love,
In the flowing tear.

Water: vehicle and idiom
Of all the inner voyaging
That keeps us alive.

Blessed be water,
Our first mother.

After reading it and thinking to myself, Of course that’s how it ends… I then wrote in my journal: There’s no escaping motherhood. It’s part of life.

How simple and how painful. There’s no escaping it.

This week I’ve had two different friends mention how tomorrow will be hard. Earlier in the week a friend sent a text mentioning how Mother’s day might be bringing up feelings for me. Then yesterday a friend mentioned how having distractions tomorrow would be good for me. To be honest, until they mentioned it, I hadn’t really thought about it. At least not consciously.

Although I’ve enjoyed everything I’ve done this week, it’s been very busy. Busy to the point that yesterday afternoon after I got home I found myself in a frantic state of mind wondering how in the world I would get everything done. Brad wanted to know what exactly I needed to get done so I started listing it all off. He was having trouble understanding why I was so stressed because most of those things (aside from shopping for interview clothes – ugh and yay all at the same time!) my list really wasn’t that complicated and really wouldn’t take that long. He’s right and yet in my mind I was overwhelmed and couldn’t see past a long list, even if it was full of simple, achievable tasks.

I know part of the chaos in my brain was due to an overbooked week. Those happen sometimes and it’s okay. However, I wonder if part of the chaos, part of the reason I said yes to everything, was less about lists and getting things done and more about filling up my mind with things other than the reality of tomorrow. Because being stressed about grocery shopping and buying marigolds and planting a wild flower garden is much easier to handle and control than thinking about Mother’s day. A year ago I figured I’d at least be pregnant for this Mother’s day. A year ago I had no idea how hard this Mother’s day would be.

I haven’t spent this week thinking about tomorrow, but my friends have. They have thought about me and wondered how I’m doing. They have realized that tomorrow might be hard. They remembered me. When I have been worried about to-do lists, they have been worried about my spirit. When I have been overwhelmed with job possibilities, they have been considering my heart. Sometimes it’s just too hard to face what’s right in front of me, so my friends gently show me while holding my hand, knowing I need to see it.

I’ve decided tomorrow will be a social media free day for me. I’m so happy for everyone who is a mother. I love all the cute little gifts your children make for you. Your joy is beautiful. But, tomorrow, I can’t. I just can’t. Maybe Monday or Tuesday I can celebrate with you. But, tomorrow, I can’t. And that’s okay. The chaos is beginning to settle down in my mind and the hurt is coming forth. And that’s okay. I’ll be okay. I believe that. But, tomorrow, I just can’t.

Water: voice of grief,
Cry of love,
In the flowing tear.

peace.