attachment, grief, plans

I Get It…Enough Already

A friend/teacher of mine often writes about how we each have lessons to learn in this life and how those lessons will keep popping up giving us opportunities to practice working through them. I’m starting to get the feeling that one of my lessons is “loss” and I’m so over it.

In May we found a litter of chocolate lab puppies and we went to meet them. The owner was kind and a great dog breeder. She took good care of the mama and the pups.

We held two male chocolate labs and we chose one. He became our puppy in that moment. We had the choice between two and it turns out we chose the wrong one.

Our little guy has an issue with his salivary glands and possibly lymph nodes so the breeder isn’t comfortable letting us have him. I understand in my head but my heart hurts.

(And before there are any lectures about breeders or adopting or whatever – stop right now. I don’t make comments on your life, so please don’t comment on mine.)

I wonder what lesson I’m supposed to learn from this? I’ve had a lot of losses in my life — most of them out of my control. Here’s another to add to that list.

Maybe the time isn’t right for us? Between my travel and a family death, the house project of replacing the floors hasn’t gone as smoothly as we hoped. It probably wasn’t going to be done before we brought the puppy home.

Likewise, it wasn’t exactly ideal to arrive home at 12 am from 2.5 weeks of overseas travel then turn around at 10 am and pick up a brand new puppy. However, that was the original plan. I was willing to make it work because I really wanted that little guy to be ours as soon as possible.

The crate is already set up. We have a collar and name tag. We were ready for him.

As much as I’m sad for us, I’m even more sad for him. What if he’s really sick and can’t be healed?

I don’t know if I’m becoming numb to loss or I’m just exhausted and can’t process it or what, but I’m not outwardly emotional about this, which is surprising. Does that mean I’m getting the lesson — that I can’t control when losses come, that loss is part of life? If so, does that mean I’ve learned and the lesson can now move on and leave me alone?

I doubt it…

Someday I’ll get to introduce to you to our new little puppy, but it will have to wait a bit longer now. In the meantime, Universe, keep the losses to yourself. I’ve had enough already.


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