As I think I’ve mentioned before, I often listen to podcasts while I’m sewing. Because of my work schedule, I don’t get as much time to sew these days, so I’m a little behind on my listening. Tonight I had some time for myself and finished up the second step of a fairly large quilting project. While doing so, I listened to Rob Bell’s episode from September 10. Some time last year he began an intermittent series on the wisdom tradition – using Proverbs as the basis of this series. He points out that Wisdom is always talking to you – she’s always calling out. She’s not hidden, instead she’s shouting out – she has something to say to all of us.
Toward the end of this episode he invited me (anyone listening) to think about what’s going on my life that’s causing me stress, anxiety, confusion. Rather than sitting in those feelings, he invites me to get curious. Where is Wisdom in all of this? I know she’s here. I know Wisdom is my midst – so what is she saying to me?
Of course, the first thing that came to mind for me is infertility. Incidentally, I am curious about it. I still find myself moments of grief, but more often than not, I’m confused and the confusion leads me to curiosity. Last fall, almost a year ago, I had blood work done and those results showed that it’s not likely I’ll conceive. After spending several months being sad and angry and broken, I began to wonder why – why me, why my body, why, why why. I went back to that office and asked her, “why?” She didn’t know so she did more blood work. Same results. But not really anymore answers.
A few weeks ago I went to my primary care physician and asked “why?” And again, more blood work. And still, no answers. In a week I’m going to talk to one more doctor. To ask again, “why?” I’m preparing myself for: “I don’t know.”
Where is Wisdom in this not knowing? What is Wisdom shouting out in the public square? What is she telling me? What am I not able to hear?
Get curious. I keep coming back to that. There are so many things in this life that I’m curious about. Why people act and think the way they do. Why the universe is so big when we’re so small. Why some bulbs bloom and others don’t. Why some people have no problem conceiving and others never do. How do those 3D machines work. How do phones work. How does anything work! Life is so interesting when I start asking questions.
It’s hard, though, when the questions are about my own life, my own body, my own future. I have yet to ask anyone to solve this. I don’t want solutions. I just want to understand. Maybe if I understand it will make more sense and it won’t hurt so much. But, probably not.
My search for answers is a search for healing. However, I’m beginning to think my healing won’t be in the answers, because there might not be answers. My healing will need to come from somewhere else. And right now, I’m not sure where that is.
I laugh and smile – those aren’t fake. I’m not faking my life. I am happy. I do find joy. I am grateful. But, as I’ve written before, it’s possible to be both and. To be both joyful and heart-broken. To be both hopeful and realistic. To be both full of life and empty inside. Both. And.
I think I’ll still go to that one last appointment. But, I know my healing won’t take place in that doctor’s office and it won’t come from anything she says. I know my healing won’t come from more blood work. It will come with time and with the love of my husband. It will come with family gatherings and watching my nieces and nephews grow. It will come with new adventures and opportunities. Healing has come and will continue to come. But, I won’t find it in an office sitting on a paper-covered table.
I want to stay curious. I want to hear want Wisdom is telling me in the midst of all this crap. I know she’s speaking. Maybe I need to listen a little better. And, keep asking questions.