However

I just read a John O’Donohue blessing called For the Time of Necessary Decision. I wish I had read it six months ago, but perhaps reading it after the fact was meant to be. Reading it in its entirety left me a little awe struck at how far I’ve come. Here’s one section:

We drift through this gray, increasing nowhere
Until we stand before a threshold we know
We have to cross to come alive once more.

Making the decision to leave North wasn’t easy. In some ways I’ve been debating this decision for a few years now. Despite my attempts to “stay in the moment” and “trust the path” and “have faith in a future I cannot see”, I have had a lot of anxiety over the last few months. Anxiety over finding jobs to apply to. Anxiety over getting noticed. Anxiety over job interviews. Anxiety over what to wear. Anxiety over not hearing back yet. I’d find myself in moments of acceptance and then easily cross over into moments of what if. It’s been tiring to say the least.

Yesterday that anxiety subsided because I accepted a job offer! More on that later…

I’m excited for a new path – a place to learn more, expand my skills and try some new things.

However.

However, before all of that, I have one last mission trip to lead at the end of the month.
However, before all of that, I have two weeks of PTO to rest, reflect, quilt, walk, visit, read and just be.
However, before all of that, in just a few days I’ll stand in the pulpit at North for the last time.
However, before all of that, there’s one last staff lunch with all my wonderful co-workers tomorrow.
However, before all of that, tonight will be my last summer gathering with the youth, parents and volunteers.

There’s a part of me that’s eager to jump to the next thing – to get to know new co-workers, to explore my new setting. There’s a part of me that’s eager to brush over the goodbyes – to move on without many tears or sadness.

However, I’ve said from the beginning, I want this to be a good ending and a good ending requires tears and hugs and looking people in the eyes to say goodbye. So, I won’t jump on just yet. I’ll do my best to stay present in each next thing knowing there’s plenty of time for exploring and learning later on. I’ll do my best to stay in today knowing tomorrow will arrive without me needing to do anything.

I’m excited for what’s next. However, there are a few things I need to do first.

peace.