A Check In on Trust

Trust is my word for 2020. 

I mean, come on. 

Since taking on a word of the year, I have a practice of checking in on it every June. So, here is my check in on trust!

In my first post of 2020 I shared how I had just finished my book proposal. I wrote that I’d be spending a week with my mom in the Dominican Republic using the time away to write. I was excited that soon I’d have a draft of a book!

Just six months later and there are so many things about those sentences that don’t make sense to me anymore. 

First, a book proposal? I haven’t picked up my book binder or my three sample chapters in months. I haven’t opened the word files either. Honestly, I haven’t really even thought about writing a book in quite some time. 

Second, a trip? What is this? We got on a plane and flew to a different country. I spent a week in an AirBnB with my mom. We went to restaurants and drove a rental car. There were no masks or worry of touching anything. I went on that trip knowing I’d be headed somewhere soon with my husband.

Third, back to that book? I don’t even know what you’re talking about anymore. 

A Check In on Trust

Before summarizing what “trust” has looked like for me in 2020, I thought it would be helpful to see what I hoped this word would mean to me…

On January 3 I wrote, “2020 will be about learning to trust, not others, but myself and God… I struggle with trusting that my life will blossom without me constantly working to make it happen… By focusing on learning to trust, I can rest more and let go of my tendency to control.” I then shared that I wanted to trust the book process, trust this good, full life, and trust my worth. 

I had a lot of expectations for this word! And for 2020.

Then on January 10 I shared this: “I want to be content with where I am right now. I want to be present to the current invitations in my life. I want to be grateful for what I have and where I am.”

And How Has That Worked Out?

Honestly, not too bad. I have let go of so many expectations of myself in the last six months, but not in a bad way. 

I was obsessed about writing a book. It consumed my thoughts and actions. When the response to my book proposal didn’t come back as I hoped it would, I shut down. I thought maybe I was too scared to do something hard. It wasn’t until I had a chat with Rob Bell last month that I realized something really important: I can do hard things. I am not scared of hard things. 

This realization pointed me to something else: maybe all of the work on *that* book was in preparation for whatever is to come. Maybe *that* book wasn’t the point. Maybe I had to do *that* work in order to be ready for the next thing. 

That is some trust, my friends. 

And There’s More!

I wrote that by trusting I can rest more and let go of control… well, Covid-19 sure helped speed that one along! Because I don’t have to commute to and from work, I definitely get more rest. And, when the president of the university says to work from home, the control is out of my hands. 

But seriously, this global pandemic has really tested this idea of letting go of control and trusting the process. Four months in and I’m still not sure what the “right” thing is to do… is it safe to go to my cousin’s wedding? Is it okay to be in larger groups outside? What will this winter hold for us? The only answer I can come up with is “I don’t know.”

My need for control and my lack of trust means I’ve been on social media way too much. Like I’m going to find the “right” answer there?!

However, as the weeks and months have gone on, I’ve settled into this new rhythm. I’m comfortable within the walls of my home and on our nearby streets. I trust a little more each day that it’s okay not to have the “right” answer. Slowly but surely…

Content, Present and Grateful

There’s always more to work on… and we’re only half way through the year, so there’s no reason to get ahead of myself.

Yes, I have more to work on, but for the most part I do feel content with where I am right now, I’m paying attention to the invitations that arise and I’m grateful for what I have.

That feels good enough. Maybe more than good… maybe more than enough.

Trust is teaching me that even in the middle of the chaos, I’m okay. In fact, I’m more than okay… I’m enough.

peace.