vulnerability, writing

Scattered and Jumbled

It’s been a hard week. I’ve had to follow my own advice. I let myself feel what I needed to feel. I tried not to berate myself for realizing that something was harder than I thought it would be. I’m tired — mostly emotionally. On top of that cramps and a period. Can I start over?

Yes, yes I can. It’s called vacation and it starts today. 

I don’t know how many pregnancy or birth announcements I saw this week. It was that many, too many to count. 

I saw a pregnant woman wearing a really cute dress. A dress I thought I’d wear some day. 

My body is worn down from trying to get me ready for another meaningless cycle. My emotions are worn down from having to experience it all again. 

I think I finished the content for a chapter in my book. Now, that is worth celebrating! Except when I started the next chapter, it didn’t go as smoothly and I was immediately convinced that writing a book is a terrible idea and why in the world did I even think this is something I can do. 

So yeah, great week. 

Between writing captions for daily Instagram posts, spending an hour working on my book each day, and preparing my next newsletter, I’m beginning to get a little fatigued. Now I need to write a blog post. Surely there aren’t any words left. 

I won’t even begin with work.

I feel scattered and jumbled — just like this post. A little here, a little there, but not much else. 

scattered and jumbled
Some scattered and jumbled logs and sticks I saw a few weeks ago

One night this week I went to bed and proceeded to toss and turn for an hour or so. Then, I just started sobbing. There were one or two reasons at first, but once the dam broke the tears kept coming. I cried for the impending cramps. I cried for the next day at work. I cried for the person I love but struggle to be around. I cried for family I miss. I cried for a mishandled text conversation with a friend. I cried for all of it. 

Crying didn’t fix anything. I woke up tired and my eyes hurt. I was beat the next day. But those tears let me know a few things: I had let a lot build up over time rather than facing each thing on it’s own; crying is a good release, do it more often; an eye mask is really good at soaking up all the tears. 

scattered and jumbled
Me crying one day and Denali offering comfort

I don’t have a point to this blog other than I committed to write one that posts every Friday, so I’m writing a blog that will post on Friday. 

I’m keeping my commitment, even if it’s just to myself. Sometimes I just have to show up. So here I am, showing up — my scattered, jumbled self and all.

I hope you’ve felt this way too because this week I’ve felt very alone and I don’t want to feel alone anymore. 

I trust that a week in a city I’ve never been to near hills I’ve never climbed will be the reset I need. I hope next week I’ll have something better to say, but even if I don’t, I’ll still show up. I’ll keep showing up until the words start to flow freely once again. 

peace.

scattered and jumbled

2 thoughts on “Scattered and Jumbled”

  1. I’m so sorry to hear you had a rough week. I hear loneliness and endurance in your post. You are not alone. I have been staying off Instagram because of all the kid pictures. It is hard and brave to express ourselves. Proud of you for speaking your truth. Get some rest!!!

    1. It’s good to be reminded that showing up is hard work and requires extra energy. I will need to start muting some people on IG. It’s too much to see that regularly. Glad you found a way to protect yourself.

      Swam with our puppy today. Went on a hike. Wrote some. Enjoyed the fresh air and sunshine. Dinner then the couch. My kind of vacation 😊

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