Some Midyear Thoughts on Return

To help me get back on the “word of the year” train (because sometimes I hop off), I like to check in on the word in June. So, here are some midyear thoughts on return. 

Return to health

This was one of my intentions for 2021 and I’ve jumped head first (even though I can’t actually jump head first into anything because I’m terrified of diving) into my health this year. In January I had an exploratory laparoscopy and found out that I had a small bit of endometriosis as well as adenomyosis. In April I had my uterus, fallopian tubes and cervix removed. 

Now, I can’t really “return” to health because I didn’t have it before, at least not in the way I wanted it. I have been in a lot of pain on a regular basis since my period started at age 12. So there’s nothing really to return to…unless I’m trying to get back to my pre-12 year old health, which I am not. 

I have returned to prioritizing my health though. I drink close to 100 ounces of water a day, I listen to what my body needs, and I am more conscious about eating enough fiber. Though I won’t be returning to anything from before, I do feel like I’ve returned to caring for my body in intentional ways. 

Return to breath

When I started meditating daily on January 1, I didn’t expect it would become an ongoing practice, but it has. I have listened to a guided meditation, taken time to be present to myself, and spent intentional time breathing every day this entire year. 

Part of me likes the accountability of the app I use — I see the number of consecutive days meditated adding up. At times I worry I’m doing it for the achievement rather than the intended outcome of being present to whatever circumstances arise. However, I’ve set that worry aside and continue to show up each day. Sometimes it’s in the morning, other times it’s right before bed. The time of day doesn’t matter, there is no right or wrong here. 

Yesterday it came to mind that at the start of 2022 I might write a post about “A Year of Daily Meditation.” Aside from my practice of gratitude every day, I don’t think there’s anything I’ve done consistently for a year like that. 

Return to rest

I really wanted a return to passion this year — specifically related to my work. This weighs on my heart and mind a lot, and I’m trying to let it go. The worry and the letting go both take energy and effort. In the midst of that, I realize what I really need right now is a return to rest. As I noted in my last post, there is a lot going on in our family right now. Not to mention I had a pretty major surgery recently. Even though I have healed very well and I’m eager to get my body moving in bigger ways now, I am tired.

Over the last two months I have spent a lot of time resting. This is mostly because of the restrictions set by my doctor and my husband reminding me of those restrictions 😉 I’ve spent afternoons on the deck reading book after book. I’ve watched Glee in its entirety (I started this before surgery, but watched most of it afterward). I’m working my way back up to walking more often, but haven’t really even considered when (or if?) I’ll start running again. For someone who struggles with not being productive, I have found rest to be quite productive over the last two months. In so many ways.

Return to me

Infertility really threw me for a loop. Before that news I was so focused on becoming a mom that I was willing to let go of the things I loved. After realizing that wasn’t possible I was so focused on making meaning out of my loss that I started to lose “me” a bit.

Some midyear thoughts on return helps me to see that this year I’m returning to me. I’m coming home to myself. This requires more rest than I realized. So, if you need me, come on over to the deck — that’s likely where I’ll be for a bit longer. 

peace.