Just Wondering

I’m just wondering…

I’m just wondering if I knew then what I know today, would I have done things differently? If my doctor told me when I was 18 that birth control might affect my fertility, would I have made a different choice? Would I have worried about my future as a parent or was I just ready to ease the monthly pain?

I wonder what my life would be like if a doctor had mentioned when I was 12 and suffering monthly from cramps that maybe they could check for endometriosis? What would be different if my doctor would have considered that my GI issues and severe cramps might be related in some way?

If I knew I wouldn’t be a mom eventually, would I have made different choices… with my career, travel, where I chose to live? After my divorce I took some leaps thinking those would be good opportunities before I settled down with a family. I wonder what my life would look like if I just kept going… if I never settled down and kept taking leaps from one place to the next?

I wonder if my relationships with my nieces and nephews would be different if I became a mom? Would I choose to spend as much time with them if I had children of my own to care for and raise? Would I give them as much of my attention?

I’m just wondering what my life would be like if I had a child. Would I still be interested in writing a book? Was a book always part of my future, no matter what direction my life went?

I have no idea…

There is no answer to any of these wondering questions. There’s no way to know how my life would have turned out had I made a different choice. This isn’t a Choose Your Own Adventure book where you can go back and try a different route. I can’t go backward. My only choice is to move forward.

It’s probably not all that helpful to think back to the choices I made, or ones that were made for me. Dwelling on the past doesn’t change anything about my present situation. But, I do find looking back reminds me that I am where I am today because of the choices I made then. 

I’m in a happy marriage despite the challenges we’ve faced. I’m blessed with wonderful children to dote on and love thanks to our siblings. I have the opportunity to write a book that may help others on their own infertility journey. People pay me to create quilts and other beautiful items out of their worn out clothes. I run races, walk our dogs, and practice yoga. Each one of these gifts is due to a decision I made in the past!

Wondering about my past also reminds me of all the amazing experiences I had. I think about the people I’ve met, the places I’ve been, and all the concerts I attended. I’ve packed a lot into my 40 years! It’s not gone the way I anticipated but I can’t complain about the amazing journey it’s been so far. 

A lingering question…

The question about endometriosis though… it’s weighing on me. There’s a part of me that wonders if what I’ve been dealing with for 28 years has a name, a diagnosis. There’s a part of me that wonders if I could have prevented some of my chronic pain. 

Again, the past is back there; all I can do is focus on the now. I have my annual exam next week. I’m eager to have this conversation. If I can’t change the past, I can certainly have some impact on my future and this appointment will be one step toward some answers I long to have. 

It’s okay to wonder as I wander through this life. This isn’t a place I want to visit daily — this wondering about the past — but, occasionally it’s good to take a glimpse backward. To see where I’ve been and to understand where I’m going.

peace.