Unfocused

I’m struggling to focus my thinking enough to write something coherent today. I could ignore my goal of writing every day during Lent. I did say I wouldn’t write if I had nothing to say. And, I’ve already missed one day, so what will it hurt to miss another?

I don’t want to write today because of a goal. I don’t want to write because I have something really important to say. I want to write because I want to write. I’ve come to appreciate this time of quiet and reflection and getting it all out of my head.

Today, however, I’m all over the place.

Currently my computer is on the verge of death. I don’t know if it will turn on when I open it or not. I get the circle with a slash on my screen. I’m backing up every time I open it just in case. I just spent quite a bit of time freeing up disk space, even though I know that’s probably not the issue. My brother says I need a new hard drive. I don’t want to believe that since just 2 years ago I bought a new hard drive. I want my computer to be dependable and reliable. Is that too much to ask?

Even though the computer is replaceable and most of my documents are backed up, this feels like the last straw. Just one more thing to go wrong. For my husband the last straw was our washer and dryer going out last week. We replaced them and then the washing machine’s pump was too powerful for our drain. And there you have it, the last straw. (It’s fixed now, but still…)

I didn’t sleep well last night, plus I lost that precious hour of sleep (thanks DST). My brain feels foggy. When a student walked into the classroom this morning asking if confirmation was over I had little patience when I responded – you were confirmed two weeks ago, yes, the class is over. I hope I said that a little kinder than it just came out. Lack of sleep, foggy brain, little patience. Not a good combo for my busiest day of the week.

Denali is out of her routine, which means I’m out of my routine too. She and I have a good routine – we know when to wake up, when to eat, when to go on a walk. However, out of the last 10 days I was gone 4 nights. That may not seem like much, but for us routine gals, that’s a lot. We missed our daily walks together – sometimes two a day, if we’re lucky. We missed our morning time of waking up and eating and resting. Just like me, when she’s out of her routine, she gets whiny and antsy – I can understand that, but that just makes me more irritated.

And, even though once I get there I’m sure everything will be fine, I really don’t want to go back to work tonight. I want to stay home and work on my QAL block. I want to stay home and order pizza and watch TV with my husband. I want to stay home and finish Big Magic. I want to stay home. I miss being home.

The sermon this morning was good, but it reminded me of my own suffering. I was comforted to hear that God’s suffering on the cross is a reminder that God lives in solidarity with us. I was grateful of the reminder that the cross says to each of us – You are loved. However, it also stirred up some things in me that I really wanted to lay dormant for a while. I know I’m not done grieving, I know I’m still sad, but I really wanted a break. I wanted to let things lay low for a while. It doesn’t work that way. I can’t avoid my suffering – I can’t avoid my infertility.

On top of all of that, it’s cold again. All those blooming flowers are curling up. The blossoms on magnolia tree in the front yard are turning brown. The inevitable happened – winter returned. I couldn’t stop the blooms from growing and I can’t stop them from dying.

Unfocused. There’s a lot happening in my head right now. My hope in writing is that some of it will stay here – like the Pensieve in Harry Potter, maybe I can siphon out some of my thoughts and leave them here. Maybe like my computer, I can back up my ideas here and delete them from my hard drive, freeing up a little space in my head.

Just one thing at a time. Focus on what’s in front of me and nothing more. Maybe that’s all I need to do for today.

peace.